I fly US Airways regularly, and I always check your column. You promised a few months ago to cover salary negotiations in an upcoming issue. I think I’m going to need that advice soon. I am a 36-year-old female executive, and everyone would agree that I am the top performer in my office. I don’t want to be too specific for obvious reasons, but I will say the industry is transportation (but, no, it’s not airlines). Here’s my problem. I earn $80K annually, and I recently learned that a colleague in my office is earning $142K for doing essentially the same job as me. Yes, he started before me and he’s six years older than I am, but I do the same job and I know that I do it better. I have a hard time believing that my employer would take advantage of me like this. I have one foot out the door, and I need your advice on how to make sure this doesn’t happen to me again. I want to know how best to negotiate for salary in the next position that I get, hopefully with a more progressive employer.

—Betrayed in San Francisco

Dear Betrayed,
First, let me say that I am sorry you had this experience. When are organizations going to wise up and realize that if they underpay top performers, they’ll lose their best talent? And when will women truly get equal pay for equal work? I don’t know.

In truth, you should have known what that guy was making all along. One of your personal objectives in career management should be to find out what others make in your company and at other companies in your particular industry.

Companies have “no tell” policies for a reason: It helps them take advantage of somebody, and in this case it was certainly you. There’s an old saying in poker: If you look around the table and can’t figure out who the sucker is, it’s you.

You don’t want to be brazen about getting this information. You might say things like, “Gosh, those European sales execs sure dress like they make a million bucks. Do you think they really make more than us, or just get to go to better stores?” Or, “Jane just got promoted to VP. I bet that was a big bump in her paycheck.” If the person you’re talking to knows the info and is prone to share it, you’re going to get numbers.

You can never ask someone straight out, “What do you earn?” But there are tactful ways to get the scoop. Here are some lines to use with friends, people you meet at trade shows, and so on. “Gosh, that sounds like a fascinating job. What would something like that pay, industry-wide?” Or, “What could a person expect to earn in a position like that?”

I readily admit this is against social norms, but so what? Do you ever again want to find out that someone next to you is earning $62K more than you for doing the same job? I think not. Be subtle, but get the info.

When it comes to negotiating salary, I have three principles you can apply to all kinds of negotiations:

1 . Never negotiate until the other person is ready to make the deal.

2. The first person to name an exact figure has lost competitive advantage.

3. If you can’t walk away from the deal, you’re not negotiating. You’re begging.

To the first point: Do not negotiate until the employer is actually offering you a job. Why? Because, very simply, that’s the only time you have power in this relationship.

The potential employer has all the power during the interview process and all the power once you are hired, but for those magical minutes or hours or days after she offers you a job and before you say yes or no, you have the power. Only negotiate when you have the power.

So how do you deflect this issue if it comes up before you get a firm job offer? Easy. Use lines like these: “Salary is not my first concern. I’m really more interested in the opportunity, the people I’ll be working with, the resources I’ll have to do my job, and where this might lead in your organization. I’m sure this won’t be a problem for us. Can we revisit this issue later?”

If it comes up again, just answer a question with a question: “I know you have a salary range in mind for this position. Can you tell me what that is?” Then, no matter what she says, you say, “Well, that seems a little low for what I know I could do for you, but we’re in the same ballpark. I’m sure this won’t be a problem for us.” Then ask a question about something totally different.

If it comes up again, say, “You know, there seems to be some kind of issue about the salary for this position. This is the third time you’ve brought it up. Is there some reason you won’t be able to make a competitive offer?” She will assure you that the offer will be competitive. Then you say, “Great. As long as you can make a competitive offer, I’m sure this won’t be a problem for us.” Then ask a question about something totally different.

If you’re forced to offer a number yourself, throw out a ridiculously wide range, saying something like this: “From my research on positions with this title, it seems that the pay is all over the map, from $30,000 to $90,000. Do you think this position will fall within that range?” They will assure you that it will, and you say, “Great. Well, as long as you can make a competitive offer, I’m sure this won’t be a problem for us.” Then ask a question about something totally different.

Or you can counter with this question: “Are you offering me the position?” If they say no, you can say, “Well, it seems a little premature to be negotiating the terms of an offer you’re not comfortable enough to make. When you’re ready to make the offer, I’m sure this won’t be a problem for us.” If they say, “Yes. We are ready to offer you the position,” you say, “That’s great! What are the terms?”

It takes practice, but you can do this all day long.

Then, when it comes to actually negotiating the terms, be nice but firm. Appeal to market rates, which you know from your prior research. The pertinent number is not what you earned before, but what it would cost them to hire someone else besides you. That’s the market rate.

Remember, employers expect you to negotiate for salary, and in many cases are surprised if you don’t. Use inclusive, win-win language, such as “I really had more than this in mind. What can we do?” Or, “I really like this company, and it seems like a great opportunity. How can we move these two numbers closer together?” That puts you both on the same side of the table, trying to solve the problem together.

There’s certainly more to learn about salary negotiation, but this will get you started.

My best wishes for your continued success, and remember: Don’t work for companies that underpay women.